


but like a dream, you disappeared

by poetictragedy



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Cancer, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-01
Updated: 2012-11-01
Packaged: 2017-11-17 12:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetictragedy/pseuds/poetictragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan has leukemia and is spending his last months in the hospital, where he meets James after a routine surgery. </p><p>The two of them become inseparable up until the day Logan dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but like a dream, you disappeared

**Author's Note:**

> First, I should tell you that everything I know about leukemia, I got off the internet. There are probably things that aren't right and I apologize for any mistakes I made.
> 
> Secondly, I apologize for the sadness. I've been wanting to write a sad Jagan for a while and, well, here you go.
> 
> (Title comes from the song "Sun" by Daphne Loves Derby.)

“What are you doing out of bed?”

The voice makes James look up and he blinks at the pretty nurse, smiling. “I was going to roll around the hospital for a bit. I’m getting bored in here,” he mumbles as he pulls on a pair of sweatpants, lifting his hips slightly until they’re secure. Sitting back down hurts and James is starting to wonder if this is a good idea.

“Just be careful and don’t do anything to tear your stitches out,” she warns, with a smile, and James nods his head, smiling back at her. “Want me to open the door?”

“That’d be great.” 

Shaking her head, the nurse goes over to the door and holds it open for him, making a sweeping motion toward the hall with her hand. James grins at her and wheels himself out of the door, thanking her before taking a left, heading down toward the other rooms.

Curiosity makes James stop in front of a few rooms and he peeks in, waving his hand at a few older people who are sitting up in their beds. They wave back and give him soft, tired smiles before he moves on, making his way down to the end of the hall, coming to two paths. He chooses to go right and rolls himself down until he gets to the elevator.

James scrunches his face and wonders if he should go upstairs, pushing the ‘up’ button before he makes up his mind. When the doors open, he lets the people out and rolls himself inside, turning around before hitting a random button. He’s on the sixth floor and he pushes the button marked for the tenth and watches the doors shut, laughing as he imagines his mom’s face when she sees that he’s not in his room.

The elevator stops and dings, the door sliding open slowly. James wheels himself out into the hall and takes a right, going down a path of doors, his eyes flicking from one to the other. He frowns when he sees more old people - and a few kids - than the other floor and wonders what level he’s on.

After a moment, James stops in front of a door that’s marked “oncology lab, authorization prohibited” and he swallows thickly. He sighs and turns around, rolling back down the hall only to stop abruptly when someone backs out of their room and into the hall in front of him. James watches as the wheelchair turns around and his eyes go wide when he sees that the occupant is about the same age as he is.

“Oh,” the boy says and laughs weakly, “I didn’t see you there.”

James shakes his head and smiles brightly. “It’s okay. I’m sorry for being in your way,” he says and motions to himself before rolling over so that his wheelchair is against the wall.

“I’m not going anywhere important,” the boy replies and he sucks in a slow, wheezing breath before continuing, “just going to see what trouble I can get into.”

“Would you like some company?” James asks, giving the boy a smile. He tries not to stare too much but James honestly can’t help it. The other boy looks to be about his age but he looks tired, which makes him look older, but he also looks attractive, if you take away the oxygen mask hanging from his neck and the paleness of his skin. “I’m James.”

The boy smiles and nods slowly. “I’m Logan,” he answered and rolls past James slowly before stopping again to turn his head, looking over his shoulder. “Come on.”

It takes James a moment but he finally turns around and follows Logan to the end of the hall, where they take a right. Logan moves slowly in his chair and wheezes like it’s hard for him to breathe and James’ chest tightens when he realizes that the other boy is sick. Sick and probably dying, that is.

“Do you have cancer?” Logan asks when they’ve stopped again and he lifts the oxygen mask, taking a few deep breaths as he looks at James, brown eyes searching his own hazel irises.

“No,” James answers, shaking his head, “I just wandered up here from post-op. I had my appendix taken out.” As if to confirm this, he pats his stomach where his stitches are and winces, moving his hand back to the right wheel of his chair.

Logan pulls the mask away and laughs weakly. “Cute,” he replies and James’ cheeks burns up because did this sick - but  _beautiful_  - boy just call him cute? “I know you’re going to ask so I’ll just tell you,” Logan says and pauses to take more oxygen before dropping the mask again. “I have stage-four chronic lymphocytic leukemia.”

Stage four… that was bad. James’ mind goes back to health class when Ms. Wainwright told them about cancer and explained the different types, along with each stage. Suddenly, his chest tightened more and he found himself wondering just how long Logan had left.

“I’m sorry,” James whispers, saying the only thing he can think of. His heart breaks when sadness flashes across Logan’s face before he smiles weakly, giving the other boy a slight shrug. 

“It’s alright. I’ve accepted that I’m going to die, you know? I accepted it,” Logan pauses to catch his breath and his eyes flutter shut as he goes on, “a long time ago, when they told my mom that I would be dead before I turned eighteen.”

James bites his lip and looks down at the tiled floor. “How old are you now?”

“Seventeen,” Logan answers and he sounds almost proud. “My eighteenth birthday isn’t for a few months and I’m determined to make it there, even for a day.”

“When were you…” James trails off and scrunches his face up, trying to think of a way to word his question in a way that won’t make him - or Logan - even more upset. “When did you find out?”

Logan pulls in a slow, labored breath, and leans back carefully. “About a year ago. Yeah, around the time of my sixteenth birthday,” he answers and opens his eyes, turning them on James with a smile. “I spent my birthday with a needle in my arm and people telling me the chemo was going to work.”

A soft chuckle leaves James’ mouth and he swallows, feeling his throat constrict slightly as tears prickle the edges of his eyes. So Logan was dying already and James was getting the unfortunate pleasure of watching him deteriorate.

Great.  _Awesome._

“Why do you look like you’re going to cry?” Logan’s voice pulls James out of his thoughts and he blinks, feeling a tear slide down his cheek. He lifts a hand to wipe it away and shrugs, opening and closing his mouth to say something - anything - but nothing comes out. “Dude,” Logan says and laughs weakly, “don’t cry for me, okay? I’ve accepted that I’m sick and I’m not sad about it.”

Something in James’ mind - and heart - tells him that Logan was lying but he doesn’t call him out on it because what would be the point? Instead, he rolls himself closer and reaches out to touch Logan’s hand, squeezing it as gently as possible, like he thought the other boy would break and… yeah, maybe he would. 

“Logan Mitchell, what are you doing?” A voice calls from down the hall and the two of them look in the direction of the sound, both of them laughing. Logan shrugs and pulls his hand away from James’ but not before patting it.

“I’m coming,” he sighs and wheels himself backwards before turning. He rolls himself down toward the nurse and stops in front of her, looking over his shoulder. “Are you coming or going back to your room?”

James blinks and swallows hard, turning his chair around to follow Logan and his nurse down the hall. They roll into Logan’s room and James stays near the door, watching as the woman - whose name is Beth - helps Logan back into his bed before reattaching all of his monitors.

When Beth is done, she covers Logan up and turns to James. “He needs his rest soon but you can stay for a while. I’ll come back in an hour to check on him,” she says and smiles softly when James nods. 

They watch her leave and James rolls himself over to Logan’s bed. “Guess I can’t stay for too long,” he says and laughs softly, folding his hands on his lap. He can see that Logan’s eyes are already fluttering shut and he drops his gaze to the other boy’s chest, watching it rise and fall carefully. “Unless you want me to leave now? You seem pretty tired and I don’t want to keep you up.”

“No. Stay,” Logan breathes and turns his head, blinking his eyes open to look at James, his lips curling into a soft smile. “Please? No one ever comes to visit me besides my parents and my best friend, Carlos. It’s nice to have someone new..”

How could James say no to that? The look on Logan’s face - and the way he says please - tugs on his heartstrings and he nods, moving a hand onto the bed to touch Logan’s hand again. This time, his fingers curl around James’ and Logan smiles, breathing in as he closes his eyes, whispering a quiet “thank you.”

After a moment of silence, James sighs. “Do you want me to tell you about myself?”

“That’d be nice,” Logan murmurs, nodding as he thumbs across James’ knuckles.

Pursing his lips, James thinks of something to tell the boy and chews on the inside of his cheek. He looks down at their hands and watches the way Logan’s thumb skirts along his skin before stopping. James listens to his ragged breathing and swallows thickly.

“I’m seventeen and I play hockey,” he starts and moves his free hand, laying it across the back of Logan’s, stroking his skin softly. “I have a best friend named Kendall who has been like a brother to me since I was four years old and I beat him up in preschool.” 

Logan laughs quietly at that and starts coughing. James sits up, alarmed, but the other boy just waves him down before reaching for his oxygen mask. He slips it over his mouth and nods to James, signaling for him to keep talking.

James bites his lip and relaxes. “I’m gay and I’ve only told one other person before now and that was Kendall. I only told him because he was trying to set me up with this girl, Lucy, and I didn’t want to go on a date and pretend to be something I wasn’t… so I just told him,” he says and laughs, watching Logan’s chest rise and fall. 

“Me too,” Logan whispers when he pulls the mask away for a second before putting it back over his face, smiling behind it. James can barely see it and he returns the smile, nodding slowly. 

“I love the colour blue, the show Justified, and I’m not sure what I want to go to college for yet but I have a while before I have to choose,” James says, still biting his lip as Logan’s eyes slide shut. “I’m an only child and my parents are divorced. I live with my mom, who’s hardly ever home, and she runs her own cosmetic company.”

Logan pulls the oxygen mask away and whispers, “Red, Supernatural, and doctor.”

“Huh?”

“My favourite colour is red, Supernatural is my favourite show, and I want to be a doctor,” Logan rasps and chuckles brokenly, wetting his dry lips. “Wanted to be one, anyway.”

James nods and watches as he puts the mask back on. “Supernatural is good,” he comments and then cracks a grin, running his fingertips along the back of Logan’s hand. “And the guy who plays Dean? Gorgeous.”

Logan squeezes James’ fingers and nods slowly.

For the next half an hour, James talks to Logan about the most mundane things in his life and he even talks about hockey when the other boy asks him about it. When the nurse comes back in, James stands up on shaky legs and leans over to kiss Logan’s forehead, promising to come back the next day. He smiles when he gets a thumbs up from Logan and settles back down in his chair before leaving the room.

When James gets back to his room, he’s exhausted. He climbs into bed without help from anyone and covers himself up, letting his eyes slide shut until Kendall comes in, saying his name loudly.

“Oh,” he says and chuckles nervously, “sorry. I didn’t know you were asleep.”

James smiles and shakes his head, sighing. “It’s alright. I was just dozing off,” he replies and yawns softly, holding his side as he does. “What’s up?”

“Just came by to see you,” Kendall answers as he falls into a chair next to James’ bed, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “My mom said you’re coming home tomorrow, right?”

Shit, James forgot. He nods and bites his lip. “Yeah and I promised someone I would go see them tomorrow. Maybe I can do it before I leave,” he mumbles.

“Who?”

“This guy I met,” James says and shrugs.

Kendall smirks and raises a brow. “You going to tell me about him?”

“His name is Logan and it’s not like that, okay?”

“Why not? Is he older than you or something?” James shakes his head and Kendall pulls his eyebrows together, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “Is he not from around here?” Again, James shakes his head and Kendall sighs. “Then what’s the matter with him?”

Taking a deep breath, James lays his head back on the pillow. “He has cancer,” he whispers and swallows thickly, feeling the tears come along. James gives himself a moment to calm down and wipes at his eyes with both hands, huffing.

“And he’s dying,” he whispers, finally, and lets himself cry.

 

*****

After James is discharged from the hospital, he visits Logan every day that he can and calls him on the days he can’t visit. Mostly it’s just him talking and listening to Logan breathe on the other line but there are some days when Logan talks back, sounding so full of life that James sometimes forgets that he’s sick.

James starts to bring flowers to Logan a month after their first meeting. Sometimes it’s just a few but eventually he starts to bring in bouquets of red roses, yellow tulips, and anything he finds colourful or that he thinks Logan will like. When he brings them in, Logan stares at him with his mouth hanging open and gives James the biggest smile he can muster.

It isn’t until the tenth week that Logan asks James to kiss him.

“Please, James?” Logan sits in the middle of his bed and James stares at him, biting at the skin on his lower lip, wondering if it’s a good idea. “I just.. want to be happy for however long I have left and  _you_  make me happy,” he whispers and says please again, his voice cracking slightly. 

Sighing, James nods and moves onto the bed, bending a leg under the other. “Tell me to stop whenever you need your oxygen,” he whispers, lifting a hand to touch the side of Logan’s face, smiling when his eyes slide shut and he leans into the touch gratefully, nodding slowly.

James leans in and kisses Logan softly, letting his own eyes close at the feel of the other boy’s lips against his own. They’re dry but James doesn’t mind because he’s finally kissing Logan, something he’s dreamed of doing but in a thousand different scenarios. 

The kiss only lasts a moment before Logan is pulling away, coughing. He reaches for his oxygen mask in the same second that James is lifting it, placing it over his mouth and nose with a smile. Logan returns it and places his hand over James’, closing his eyes as he breathes in slowly.

As he watches Logan breathe, James realizes that he’s in love with him. Their kiss is what made him see it and he stops breathing for a second, feeling hot tears rim his eyes because of course. Of course he would have to fall in love with an amazing guy who just so happens to be dying. It was just his luck.

“Hey, Logan?” James asks, brushing his thumb along Logan’s wrist as he nods and opens his eyes, brown irises settling on his face. “Don’t stop breathing on me when I tell you this, okay?” Again, Logan nods and James can see the hint of a smile behind the plastic of his mask. “I’m in love with you.”

Logan’s eyes go wide for a second but he doesn’t stop breathing. He squeezes James’ hand lightly and pulls them both away, letting them and the mask fall onto his lap as he smiles brightly. “I love you too,” he whispers and leans in to kiss the other boy softly and, for a moment, James forgets where they are.

James forgets that Logan is dying.

He ignores the monitors, the beeping, and the sound of oxygen.

The only thing James can focus on is the way Logan’s lips feel against his own and how he laughs into the kiss like nothing is wrong. His mind is on the hand on the back of his head and the fingers in his hair, pulling him forward for more before Logan finally pulls away, gasping for air.

“No… Fuck, no.” James grabs the oxygen mask and gingerly places it back over Logan’s face, breathing in a sigh of relief when he starts to calm down. His chests starts to rise and fall at it’s normal, slow pace, and James runs his free hand through his hair, letting out a sharp breath. “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” he mumbles and wets his lips quickly, watching Logan’s eyes close. 

James swallows and lets a few tears slip. “Don’t do that to me,” he whispers, brokenly. “Please, Logan, don’t do that to me again.”

Without opening his eyes, Logan nods weakly.

And that’s the last good day they have together.

 

*****

It’s a rainy day in the middle of August and James is preparing to spend his last full day with Logan before school starts back up. He buys the boy two dozen roses and a teddy bear he saw at the flower shop, carrying them both through the hospital. When he passes the nurses’ station on the oncology floor, James smiles at them and his stomach drops when they don’t smile back. Not even Beth, who always greats him with a warm smile and a greeting.

Deciding that it’s probably nothing, James continues on to Logan’s room and stops dead in his tracks a few feet away. Something feels off and he swallows thickly, preparing himself for the worst as he pushes the door open and steps in. 

What he sees makes him cry.

Logan is laying on the bed with two blankets covering him and his eyes are closed and, even though he’s breathing, he doesn’t look okay. He doesn’t look like the boy James fell in love with and that makes him cry harder. But, somehow, he manages to compose himself for Logan.

“Hey,” he whispers as he comes into the room, setting the bear down on the bed next to Logan’s head. The lack of response worries James and he swallows again, moving around to the bedside table to switch out the old flowers for the new ones, tossing the others in the trash along with the paper that came wrapped around the stems of the others.

Sighing, James goes to sit in a chair next to Logan’s bed and looks at him. His eyes are open and fixated on him but… James doesn’t know if Logan can see him or if he’s just staring into space. His chest tightens and he leans forward to kiss Logan’s forehead lightly, whispering when he pulls away: “How are you feeling?”

“James,” Logan rasps, letting his eyes slide shut again. 

“Yeah, baby, I’m right here.” Tears flood James’ vision and he wipes at his eyes, moving his free hand to Logan’s, brushing his thumb along his knuckles. He hadn’t been able to see Logan for a few days but he hadn’t been this bad during his last visit.

Logan hiccups and James notices, for the first time, that he’s crying.

“Hey, don’t cry,” he whispers and lifts his hand, dragging his thumb along Logan’s cheekbone to wipe away the tears. “What’s the matter, baby?”

No answer comes, just the sound of Logan’s ragged breathing.

After a moment, Logan looks at James and mumbles, “Lay down with me.”

The sound of his boyfriend’s voice causes tears to spill from James’ eyes and he nods slowly, sniffling loudly as he stands. He shrugs out of his coat and toes his boots off, nudging them underneath the chair before going around to the other side of the bed. James doesn’t lift the blankets, just lays on top of them and snakes an arm around Logan’s middle, laying his hand on top of the other boy’s.

Logan slots their fingers together and closes his eyes. “Talk to me,” he whispers.

The tears come harder now but James fulfills his boyfriend’s request.

“I love you,” he whispers, pressing his lips to Logan’s ear as he feels the tears slide down his cheeks, “do you know that? I love you so much and I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Please, Logan, don’t leave me..”

A long, labored breath pulls from Logan’s chest and he mumbles, “I love you too.”

Burying his face against Logan’st neck, James lets himself go. He cries and sobs harder when Logan actually shushes him, saying that it’s going to be alright. After a few minutes of crying, James pulls his face away and sniffles, trying to think of something to tell Logan.

“I don’t want you go to,” is the first thing that comes from his mouth and Logan responds with a quiet “I know” before asking him to keep going. His voice gets quieter and quieter, his breath coming slower as James talks. “I was going to take you out, when you finally got out of the hospital, and you were going to get to meet Kendall. He keeps asking about you, you know, and he worries about what’s going to happen to me when you die but…” James trails off and swallows, wetting his lips; he can taste the salt from his tears and chuckles brokenly. “I don’t even know how I’m going to be when it happens. I’ll be a mess, I know that, but that’s really all I know.”

Logan’s breathing slows even more. The heart monitor beeps slow, too.

James kisses the back of Logan’s head and continues, “I hope I made your last months okay and that you were happy. I think that you were happy and… I just wanted to make it last a little longer, Logan. I wanted you to see your eighteenth birthday and I wanted them to say you were doing better…”

One last breath.

The monitor flat lines.

“Fuck,” James cries and he holds onto Logan tightly, knowing that the nurses and doctors will be in the room any minute and he’ll be pushed outside. Slowly, numbly, James pulls away and moves out of the bed, going around to the other side before leaning down to kiss Logan’s lips for the last time. He lifts his arm and situates the bear under it and the mattress before grabbing his coat and shoes.

The nurses and doctors come in just as he’s leaving and James doesn’t make it ten feet before he crumples to the ground, hands going to his face. He cries against his palms and screams, barely noticing when someone touches his back. When the voice asks him if he’s okay, all James can do is shake his head and say Logan’s name over and over.

Someone asks for his phone and an emergency contact. James hands his cellphone over and says Kendall’s name before going back to crying, letting it all out as people bustle past him.

James is curled up on the couch in the waiting room when Kendall comes in and he looks at his best friend, barely seeing him through the tears. Neither of them say anything and Kendall comes over, taking James into his arms. He lets the other boy cry and rubs his back, whispering soothing words to him until he’s calmed enough to go home.

* * *

Logan Evan Mitchell passes away at 3:45 PM on August fourteenth, exactly a month before his eighteenth birthday.


End file.
